I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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