just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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