mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
