I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
we made out on top of his cat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
