sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
