saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
