so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
