Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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