Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
