we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
