How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
