ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
