A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
