she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think people are normalizing furries
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
