i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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