the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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