I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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