he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
