if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i think my cat just said my name.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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