Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
