Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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