I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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