im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
