We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
