I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
