I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
