grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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