i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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