Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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