if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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