speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
