i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
