I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
