I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
