I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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