is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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