I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
