my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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