i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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