I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
