When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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