i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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