Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
