You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
