he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i believe in u and ur pee
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
