You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
