If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
