Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
