you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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