I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
