How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
